It is Saturday night. Everyone is in bed sleeping and here I sit. Watching really, REALLY bad horror movies, eating a Jalapeno and Bacon Pizza, drinking Pepsi, and doing some general 'net surfing. Some rare time alone with the ability to be a vegetable. It may be pure bliss. In small doses.
It is about 30 minutes to Father's Day as I write this. I am going to "future post" it so that it hits on Father's Day. I have been thinking about what it means to me to be a father. I have also been thinking about the many ways I am similar and different from my own father.
I like to think that I have been fairly successful so far as a father and that it somehow makes up for my general shittiness as a son. All of this leads me to dwell on my past. Never a good road for me to travel.
On my drive home the other day I followed a biker lady. It made me think of my mother and all of the time I didn't get to spend with her. I spent years harboring deep resentment for her utter and total abandonment of me. I have since moved past that and decided that it makes no sense to be angry at a stranger. There were those people in my childhood that caused much worse physical and emotional damage. I have moved past anger towards them as well. (Ok, mostly) I am now, as an adult, able to maintain my distance from them no matter how intertwined they may be with my family. I refuse to let them poison my children's lives, even if that means I do not get to have a relationship with my father. (Whom I miss horribly, especially on Father's Day)
As a parent, I see it as my fundamental task in life to provide in the best way I possibly can for my children. This, to me, is more than providing financially. Having Maxine as my partner in this, it would be easy to make enough money to provide every little thing and have any material possessions that they want. That is not how we choose to live. We are teaching our children to value people over possessions. In our house, it is more rewarding to sit in the living room talking for hours at a time than it is to sit and watch a movie together. We live a pretty frugal life and are teaching our children to live happily with the things they need more than with the things they want. (And yes, we provide some "wants" to. They are kids, after all) We all value each other's company and spend most of our time together. I know this will probably change as they get older but for now I cherish it. My children understand the proper way to treat people and are the most fantastic kids I have ever encountered. I attribute that, in large part, to Maxine's wonderful guidance. I am doing my best to teach my boys how to become good men, and I think they are progressing well down that road.
I know that this post comes off as a therapy post and to an extent it is. Father's Day is a bittersweet day for me and as it approaches, I am getting just a little melancholy.
To all the fathers out there, Happy Fathers Day. I hope to send something cheery a little bit later on.
You are a good father! You have the most awesome, well behaved kids ever,! I think they could only have come from having two committed and involved parents. You are doing a great job! And I think you do a pretty good job as a son, with the childhood you endured, don't be so hard on yourself and give yourself a little credit.
ReplyDeleteHappy Father's Day!!
Mark I am pretty sure you wouldn't risk how great you are now to have had an easier life before. As much shit as we toss, I think a lot of you, and know that your fam is lucky to have you. I hope you had a nice F-day. The hate we carry around toward others only hurts us. They go on being total assholes, pissing everyone off and are blissfully ignorant to the lot of it. Stay awesome, friend.
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